My cat used to sleep on my bed. She loved being in my room, and she loved being with me.
At some point (about 3 months ago), because of my OCD, I no longer felt safe letting her sleep with me. What if, what if, what if. Unfortunately, I’m so sorry, I started closing the door and leaving her outside. Every night I was careful to try to get into my room without her following me, because it breaks my heart to leave her outside when she’s looking at me.
Anyway, I spent a lot of time with her during the day; very carefully, because “if she scratched me”… I won’t explain the whole train of thought in my head, just know that I’m terrified of blood. And she’s not a cat that scratches, but OCD doesn’t allow for low probability. What if that 1%?!
For an OCD mind 1% can be as burdensome as a high percentage.
In the last week, my OCD has gotten worse, so I can’t even touch her anymore. She sees me (those two times a day when I leave my room) and immediately runs to me. She’s one of the sweetest cats I’ve ever met. For some reason, she loves me. And I love her! But right now, my OCD won’t let me pet her. It’s devastating.
Tonight she followed me from the kitchen… I had to close the door while she was watching me.
What if she stops loving me? What if I could not touch her or kiss her anymore?
I feel so sad, even more sad that this seems like my new normal: sad and sorry, almost resigned, thinking about all the things I can’t do anymore. But I don’t want to live like this! I want to start touching my cat again, shaking people’s hands, cooking, touching the furniture, cleaning my room and the house, washing my hair and myself; going out, even alone, even at night, and driving without fear of killing someone by hitting them with my car because “what if I did it but hadn’t noticed?”
My cat only has one eye. She’s beautiful, and her eye is large, intense, and beautiful like the most beautiful yellow diamond. Tonight she looked at me with her beautiful eye as I closed the door, looking straight at her.
Heartbreaking.
OCD waves 