I’m looking for more help because after three months in these dire conditions, there must be something wrong with what I do or don’t do.
Over the past seven days, I’ve spoken to six lovely new people, some kindly introduced by friends, one I found online. They were all lovely, listening calmly and patiently (for free!) to my story, encouraging me, offering to talk again, suggestions, and other contact information.
While it’s exhausting to tell the entire story of the last 12 months and the summary of the last 20 years of my wonderful experience with OCD to different people, it was also touching, because they were not only kind people, but also professionals with years of experience (I have 20 under my belt, so in a sense we are colleagues!), so their perspective, their reassurances, their advices made me feel less desperate.
I know I’m not the only one with OCD in the world (apparently about 1 in 40 adults have it), but I’m the only one in my daily life, so… it’s scary.
These people were very kind and helpful, as I said, and we all (as good colleagues) agreed that I need a psychiatric consultation to review and optimize my medication and guide my overall treatment strategy.
My GP referred me to the mental health team just a few days ago, and no one knows how long it takes to get an appointment with the NHS.
So, for the last 24 hours, I’ve been searching online for psychiatrists. I’ve discovered I’ve done EVERYTHING WRONG WITH MY LIFE! I should have studied psychiatry! Unlike the people who have given me about an hour of their time as a gift, these doctors are very expensive. And that’s fine because they have valuable knowledge, an office, and everything else, but they’re really expensive for me. Health is the most important thing, and luckily, my family has offered to help with expenses if I need it. Now it’s just complicated to figure out who and when. I’ve emailed a few people asking for information, and one has already told me she’s busy until April (!!!).
Tonight I’m strangely calm; perhaps because I’m tired of this online research, or because I told all my sad mental illness story two different persons in the space of three hours, I have low energy and feel calm. It’s a pleasant feeling. Apart from this constant buzzing in my head.
I enjoy writing this blog and learning how WordPress works; it keeps me engaged, and after writing a post, I feel like I can let go of something. I’m not promoting this blog; it’s online but somewhat hidden on the web—and I like it that way.
And I’m hiding in my room, not happy, but calm and more optimistic.
I’ll ask for more help, even if it’s a scary, expensive, and weird.
OCD waves 