The song of the rain.
It’s a lovely sound, especially when you’re warm and safe inside, while it’s dark and cold outside. (I immediately feel sorry for all those little animals, but one of the exercises I have to do is “don’t self-feed the sadness”.)
The sound of the rain is helping me to stay calm, lie in the moment, and do everything my psychologist advised.
This morning I felt sick, with a sense of unease I haven’t felt in a couple of months. So, I have to admit, something has changed in the last four months. Yes, they’ve been horrible, but not in the same way: it’s been a constant up and down, but overall it’s an UP. A slow, hard, exhausting UP. But it’s an improvement, and that makes all the difference.
While this feeling in my gut reminds me that I’m surviving, that this is not life, and my mind wonders, “What if I don’t recover?”, “What if it takes another few months?”, “What if, what if…” tonight I just want to answer: it will take as long as it takes.
In short: whatever (that was my favorite English word, I’d almost forgotten).
This OCD is bad, yes; these last few months have been terrible, yes; the future scares me, yes, BUT.
But whatever!
I really want to start doing my best to stop punishing myself all the time; I can’t afford to keep doing it anymore. I have to carefully manage my energy, I need it to do ERP, I need it to survive, for as long as necessary. Because I have no other choice.
Better to relax and let things happen. I’ve had enough of fighting against myself. At least, that’s my mindset for tonight, tomorrow, who knows?
Whatever!
OCD waves 